Fifty Shades of Truth

Title: Fifty Shades of Truth

Author: Josef

Series: Stand Alone

Genre: Autobiography

Publisher: Fontaine Publishing Group

Release Date: June 7 2015

Edition/Formats: eBook

Blurb/Synopsis:

Fifty Shades of Truth is the true story of a man who, for over sixty years, led a double life.

Josef was a husband, a businessman, a friend, but he was also a man hopelessly addicted to sex and all things sexual in nature. Stemming from an assignment his therapist gave him, this book explores the many aspects of sex that are hidden and looked-down upon. Josef's life was a rollercoaster, littered with massage parlors, mistresses, transsexuals and gay encounters.  The things that happened to Josef, most people would find horrifying, twisted, or at least strange. But Josef loved every bit of it. Loved it so much that he continued lying to his wife and everyone he knew for 60 years.

Parts of Josef's story are very confronting, but Fifty Shades of Truth is a wonderfully entertaining, sometimes humorous, sometimes shocking, sometimes challenging, but always entertaining account of this man's life.  Many other men can only fantasize about some of the things he has experienced.

… a dark journey into the Light

Book Links

Amazon Australia

Amazon Canada

Amazon Germany

Amazon UK

Amazon US

Barnes and Noble

Google Play Australia

Google Play US

Kobo

Excerpts 

I was raised in a harsh emotional and moral environment, but I don’t blame my parents for my life.  By the time I was in my twenties I had forgiven them for all the harshness they had delivered as I grew up.  They did the very best they could and there really wasn’t anything to forgive.  I realized that it wasn’t their fault, and in fact they are themselves victims of the all-pervading fear running through society.  I was actively pursuing my spiritual quest for understanding about my life, and it wasn’t difficult to see that everyone is trapped like flies in a web of fear and illusion.  How can this world be anything other than illusion, when everything about it is created out of fear?  Everybody knows this is true, unless of course they are just too afraid to look at it.

I’m not making excuses for the life I’ve lived.  I lived a double life for 60 years; lying, cheating and deceiving everyone around me.  I lied from the moment my eyes opened in the morning until my head hit the pillow at night.  As much I loathe, despise and spit on the Catholic Church, I don’t blame them either for how my life has turned out.  The church is a meaningless part of my life now, but that doesn’t stop me loathing them for their continued persecution of helpless children.  The Catholic Church should be formally charged with fraud, extortion, and of course, rape and molestation, and then shut down.  People would be better off trying to deal with their fears of the ‘afterlife’, instead of living the bullshit the Catholic Church feeds them.  Maybe some of them would even grow some balls and grow up.  It makes me laugh to think of people who, being afraid of going to hell, pretend to be good so they will go to heaven.  Poor bastards.  The church has not provided one single shred of evidence to support their claims.  If you question them about it you are slapped down as a “Doubting Thomas”, and made to feel guilty for not having faith.  For fuck’s sake people, look at it!  Someone is standing in front of you, telling you a story which they cannot prove at all, yet you happily throw the dice on your entire life and don’t even question it.  I have more proof in my own life to support the idea of reincarnation, than the entire Catholic Church has to support its fear-driven fairy tale from hell.  Fuck them, why do I bother.

As I mentioned earlier, throughout the course of my journey I became convinced it had all begun when I was just a baby, unable to walk, talk or wipe my own arse.  My arse.  Now that’s a topic worthy of some deep analysis and discussion.  From an early age in primary school it was clear to me that I had a strong fixation with sensation around my anus.  Let’s be clear.  The anus is a very erogenous zone on the body and the rectum has more muscles than you can poke a hard cock at, but I won’t digress now.  I’ll talk more about that later. 

At that young age I was happy to insert any small thing I could find into my anus, and for some reason found the sensation erotically thrilling, even at six years old.  A match I found in the playground would suffice, and give me pleasure in class through the whole afternoon as I wriggled around on my seat playing with it inside me.  I never worried about it or wondered why I liked it, but I did know I would be in trouble if anyone found out.  I “knew” by then that anything to do with my body was a crime against creation.

And so it was that the secret life of Josef began in those early years of Elementary School, as my education was delivered via the Catholic Church.  I worked my way through Junior High and got out of the education system as soon as I could.  My rejection of school had nothing to do with my sexual exploration.  It may have just been an authority issue, and could have had its roots in my repugnance and contempt for the church as an authoritarian regime.  But the sexual feelings running through my body never went away.  As my urges and desires developed they took over my life completely, becoming the primary driver for everything I did.  It got to the point where they dictated, on a daily basis, many of the decisions I made about my life.

My life was probably not really different to many others as a child.  I grew up with my older sister and brother, and younger sister.  My father is a hard-minded man who dominated the household with his religious views.  My mother, who has now passed away, was essentially a weak spirited woman who was happy to go along with whatever he said, but she was also happy to play the part of an avenging angel if she found a helpless child without his pants on.

Although I had a strong and growing resentment of the church at an early age, my life within its structure was probably normal enough.  Well, normal apart from what felt like a very un-normal fixation with my anus, and a growing obsession with anything relating to physical sensation and sex.  I always found ways to satisfy myself somewhat as a child and teenager, but there is a great deal of unexplored territory if you’re always going solo, and have urges and desires that run as deep as mine do.  One day I needed to do something about that.

As a young teenager I discovered something that didn’t fit into any puzzle at the time, because I wasn’t trying to work any puzzle out.  It wasn’t until much later, when my obsessions grew larger than my ordinary life, and I seriously wondered what the fuck was going on, that I recalled a conversation with my mother when I was about twelve years old.  I was talking to her one day when I noticed something in the back of a cupboard and asked her what it was.

“Oh that,” she replied without any fuss, “that’s an enema.  When you were a small baby you were always constipated, so we had to give you enemas to unblock you.”

Fair enough.  I thought about it for five seconds and didn’t think of it again for 30 years.  Later I was to think about it a great deal, in my tortured yearning to understand the things driving me.  Anyone who has been around babies, giving bottles, changing nappies, etc., will know that it is very possible, and not an infrequent occurrence, for young babies to have erections.  The question that was to plague me for a long time, and one I would have liked to ask my mother out of curiosity, was simply whether she ever got the impression that my young body enjoyed those enemas when I was a baby.  It’s a question I was never going to ask her but it didn’t really matter.  I was convinced that I already knew the answer.  As a baby with a warm tube up my arse I suspect I was getting erections strong enough to fell an oak tree!  I became convinced that a seed, so to speak, had been planted in my tiny baby bum by those enemas, but what would that seed grow into, and why? 

Author Information

To the outside world he led a very normal life as a loving husband, good friend and successful businessman. But inside he harbored a great secret as he pursued a life exploring every avenue of sex imaginable. Stemming from an assignment his therapist gave him, this book explores the many aspects of sex that are hidden and frowned upon by society. Josef began by visiting mistresses and frequenting massage parlors, but most people could not even imagine the ways he found to satisfy his all-consuming desires, finding them repulsive, or strange to say the least.  But Josef couldn’t get enough of it, as he planned his daily life around his next sexual encounter, lying to his wife and everyone who knew him for sixty years.

Some parts of Josef’s life are very confronting, and not for the prudish or faint-hearted, but Fifty Shades of Truth is a wonderfully entertaining, sometimes humorous, sometimes shocking, sometimes challenging, but always entertaining account of this man’s life.  Many other men can only fantasize about some of the things he has experienced.

With this book being an Autobiography the Synopsis and Author Bio are the same.

Author Links

Facebook

Twitter

Note from the Author

This is the story of my life.  It has not been fabricated, exaggerated, or embellished in any way.  It's the raw truth and I'm not really sure why I'm writing it, but my therapist thinks it's a good idea, and I can understand her reasoning about that.  Writing down my life's story might simply be a part of the healing process, so I can finally move on with my life and live it like a normal person.  All my life I've wished for nothing more than to just be normal, as I've looked around and envied other people's untroubled lives.  At least that is how they appear on the surface.  We can all be quite certain that most people harbor some secrets in their lives.  Those secrets might be just some small things they regret, or feel ashamed about.  I wish people did not need to have secrets, and live in fear and guilt about their lives.  Most things people hide from are not worth the stress, but I guess I'm the same.  Maybe I should be able to shout from the rooftops, and tell the world I'm not afraid or ashamed of my life, but in my heart I know many people will stand in judgment of me.  At the same time, I know that deep down a lot of people would applaud my courage to do so, even if their own fears prevented them from supporting me out loud.  Therein lies the problem.  If you stand outside society's norm, you stand alone, through social judgment and fear.  Maybe I should just include it all in the category of fear, and leave judgment out of it, considering that all judgment has its roots in fear to begin with. 

Fear; the prime mover for almost every expression in our lives.  What would it be like to be free of fear?

I know everyone has their problems, and people go through a great deal of pain and suffering in so many ways.  I personally know people who I would not trade places with for anything on Earth.  We all go through the "run of the mill" issues which plague people; things like marriage breakups, financial problems, health issues, and everything that goes with living on this planet; trying to coexist with a whole lot of people, most of whom we have almost nothing in common, except a pattern of closely similar reactions that maintain a reasonable level of "sanity" in society.  And it is all bound in fear.

It doesn't sound like much of a way to live, but if you question someone about their lives and propose the idea that they live their lives in fear, almost all of them will disagree.  Some will even get angry, and possibly violent, if you dare to start a debate with them on the issue.  The irony is that they won't see, even then, that their reaction to the idea that their lives are based on fear, is in itself a fear based reaction.  So why would I tell people about my life?  Why would I stand up, step out of the shadows that society creeps around in, and put my trust in people to accept my life?  Simple.  People cannot be trusted.  Everyone knows this because everyone has a secret.  The only variable is the size of the secret, and mine would attract a massive excess baggage fee if I packed it in a suitcase and boarded a plane.

I've had, and have, all those problems I spoke about; divorce, health and finance, to some degree.  I'm not saying my life is difficult in the main, and in fact I often count myself lucky, and give thanks for my life, and the many things I enjoy.   Unlike some others, at least I have my health, in that I can walk, talk, eat, see and hear.  I also have a brain that works well enough, which gives me the opportunity to make something of myself, and do something with my life.  I really cannot complain, so what makes my life so different that my therapist thinks that writing it down is a good idea?

I don't think the aspect of my life in question is in anyway unusual, or different, to a large percentage of the population, so I guess it just comes down to a question of degree and scope.  When I consider those factors I can't help feeling my life has been a little unusual, to say the least, and a lot unusual to "say the most"!  No doubt it could be expressed by a lot of people with words like sick, deviant, gross, fucked-up, pathetic, abhorrent, disgusting, depraved, and so on.  These words are not new to me.  I've tarred myself with every one of them over the years, and nobody else could project the depth of feeling in those words more strongly to me than I have against myself.  That projection in turn evoked feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness and self-loathing that cannot be replicated by imagination.  Even if I told you that you cannot imagine the things I've done, and then gave you a hint, you would not cover the depth and breadth of my life experience.

I've written about this in a way that tries to depict how I felt at the time and how I feel now, and can only use words or terms that make that possible.  This book is not for the prudish or faint-hearted, so if you like your reality painted over and sugar-coated, then this is not for you, and I suggest you make a nice cup of tea and watch re-runs of Days of Our Lives instead.

I'm not complaining about my lot, and in some strange way I have even come to appreciate it after all this time.  All I want to do now is find some understanding out of it that might possibly enrich the remainder of my life, and maybe even help others with theirs.

It all seemed to begin harmlessly enough as a young child in primary school, but when I was a young teenager, an innocent conversation with my mother raised the idea in me that this turbulent, obsessive journey had actually begun when I was just a baby.  In time I had no doubt about this, and it has often led me to wonder - is this some kind of karmic load I am unloading, or am I building a karmic load that will crush the life out of my soul?  This is the question that would plague me through the decades to come.  Whatever the explanation for it, I was powerless to do anything about it.  All I could do was hang in, and hang on, as I plunged headlong through a chaotic world of sensory self-gratification.  Where do I even start, to give anyone an idea of the duality of the life I have lived for as long as I can remember?  There is that old clichéd crap about starting at the beginning, and they may be right, but let's just skip ahead for a moment, because honestly, if I'm going to write this down, then I don't have time for norms or clichés, and don't give a shit about them.  Skipping ahead will give me a clear reminder of why I'm writing this, and what I'm writing about.  I'll come back and try to join some dots, so this might become a clearer picture of what it always felt like to me: a life unlived.  Is that too dramatic; to call it a life unlived?  I lived something, didn't I?  We all have some notion of what life should be like, or what we wish it was like, and in my mind and in my heart my life never measured up to any of my wishes.  It just never felt like living.  It always felt like a crap life; a bum deal. It is what it is.

a Rafflecopter giveaway